


Fade to Black

by AbaddonKhaleesi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Coming of Age, Family Drama, Family Feels, Family Secrets, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-17 17:20:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9334973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbaddonKhaleesi/pseuds/AbaddonKhaleesi
Summary: Sirius remembers certain parts of his life: they are not complete memories, and most of the time they are just feelings or ideas of the past. However, he knows, that no matter how hard he tried, he would always be himself, and whatever he did he would always be a Black.Small memories of the life of Sirius Black, going from his birth until his death.





	1. Birth

November 3rd, 1959

Midnight broke out with the single cry of a small creature. 

Its birth was long and exhausting; its body was covered in blood and placenta and with strong lungs he crawled into this new world, his body was being held by a matron; the skirmishing baby was being cleaned up with careful attention, while a woman, his mother, demanded to know the sex of the baby.

“It’s a boy, mistress” secured the matron; the refreshing smile of the tired woman relieved everyone in the room. Walburga Black shone after giving birth to her first son; she had fought tooth and nail to bring a healthy boy to the honorable house of Black, and she had delivered exquisitely. Her mother could watch and marvel at her greatness, or envy her; whatever she felt fit, it could not disturb Walburga for this was her moment to shine.

“Hand him to me”, Walburga’s voice had no trace of the exhausting hours of labor. She had spent the last 28 hours trying to bring the boy to live and now she wanted to see him and name him, as it was the costume, after a constellation. The matron brought the baby, who was now calmer and surrounded by dark green sheets. Walburga held the baby on her arms, and observed the features of her firstborn.

She felt proud for delivering such a handsome baby, and also, for him looking as fine as any other creature in the whole Wizarding Community. He had a dark muzzle of hair, soft to the touch; his nose had a nice button form and his mouth was small and beautiful. He would grow up to be even more handsome. She could almost picture him: tall and proud and everything House Black needed in those times of darkness. A pure blood wizard, to bring henceforth honor to the House.

“Bring my husband and inform him, that this boy should be henceforth known as Sirius Orion Black”, and slowly gave him to the nurse maid, who gently put the baby against her breast for him to eat for the very first time.


	2. Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius had been raised by a nana. And this was already weird in the world where he had been born, except for his mother.

April 26th, 1960

His first memories are sucking his nursemaid nipple. That’s the first memory he can collect from the world that just opened to him. Years later he will know the name of the nursemaid: Jocasta Travers, but for him, in this early fuzzy memories, he can only see a woman with a gentle smile and the biggest blue eyes he had ever seen. She always smelled like lavender, fresh fruit and the sour smell of sweat. It was an odd smell for a nana, Sirius thought years later, but he liked it, because it meant not only food, but love and tenderness. When he was close to her chest, he felt warm and secure. His mother didn’t want to breastfeed him; it was not correct for her to do that, and she laughed at her sisters-in-law for doing such a despicable thing to their children, so she always hands Sirius to his nursemaid and doesn't even bother to be in the same room as him.

But little Sirius doesn’t mind not being held by that cold woman that only visits him every so often; he loves being in Jocasta’s warm embrace, because she sometimes sings to him and sometimes she talks to him and tells him stories about beautiful witches and maidens who overcome their fears and find amazing secrets; or about handsome princes who fight against dragons and she is always moving and dancing around him, moving her fingers and arms around his face and he feels like he _knows_ more just for that. 

But is her voice what he remembers at the end of the day.

It’s his last month being nursed this way, Jocasta tells him and there are small wrinkles on her eyes. Next they’ll feed him with potions and start with solid food so he can grow even larger and more handsome. He is not sure to understand and soon separates his mouth from her breast and smiles at her, and she laughs quietly, and slowly ever so gently, sings him to sleep.

He remembers those days, seeing her with her blonde hair, her blue eyes and a soft smile that reassured him that no matter what, he will always be secure in those arms. It made him feel loved.


	3. Best Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is about to have a baby brother or sister.

_May 15th, 1961_

Sirius is one year and seven months old and he is a ball of energy going up and down the house. Since he had learned how to walk, he was always on his feet, so quick to learn what was all around him. From his crib to the kitchen and up again; his parents were going mad with just the idea that slowly they'll no longer have a place outside Sirius reach. Right now, however he was trying to understand why his mother (mama, as she asks him to call her) is yelling.

He can barely talk; he is still learning how to do it, how to express his ideas. He knows how to say “ _mama, beauty morning; papa, beauty day; papa and mama, beauty night_ ”, and he knows how to say he wants food “ _Ata, feed my tummy, please_ ”.

But right now, Ata is looking at the mistress bedroom and hearing the screams that come from what Sirius thinks is a nasty sickness; however, Ata takes her time to explain to him that his mama is not screaming because she is sick, but because she is having another baby; however, what Ata fails to tell him is that everybody is anxious, hoping that this one is a baby boy as well, because they all know how much the mistress will hate the idea of having a girl, like his brother Cygnus.

Sirius is trailing at her, with his uneasy steps, looking at her and the door with his big and curious gray eyes, like his mother’s eyes. Sometimes Jocasta can’t believe such different people can have the same eyes.

“Ata, happens there?” he asks, with his tiny voice and she can’t help but pick him up and kiss his forehead. He giggles softly, ignoring the increased screaming from the bedroom; this is not the time for him being there, and slowly she takes him downstairs.

“Sirius is going to have a baby brother or sister”

“Really?” he smiles cautiously. “I want a boy. Not girl, ‘cause Bella is nasty to me. Girls are nasty.”

“Am I nasty, Sirius?” she laughs as his eyebrows furrow in heavy thought.

“No, of course not. Ata is nice and soft and happy.” Sirius looked at his hands, and a sudden drop in his voice gave away his worries. “He’ll like me?”

“I think he will, sweetheart. Who wouldn’t love you?” and with just those words, Sirius hugged fiercely at his nana, hoping she was right. Upstairs, he heard another scream and for a second he was sure that whatever came from that bedroom would be his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to update the chapters that I already have; however the next one are going to take a few more time for time issues. I'm planning on writting another story, but I'm not sure and I'm still working on it, so may be one day... one day in the future.


	4. Good Mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walburga is a good mother, and one of the most important lessons she can offer her son is learning when and how to pretend.

**September 19 th, 1962**

Walburga is the type of person who can’t deal with people not being formal and proper. She tolerates Jocasta, because her family is one of the Sacred-Twenty-Eight and because she has the perfect credentials to take care of her children.

She had found her a couple of months before Sirius was born, and she had just had a baby girl with a Rosier. By the time Regulus was about to be born, she’d lost her husband and later a baby boy, but her milk was at the disposition of her children and that was all that mattered to Walburga. May be, she thought, she could arrange a marriage between her daughter and Sirius, just to secure bloodlines. However, there were a few things that left her cold towards Jocasta, and that was her friendliness towards, well, almost everybody. Walburga worried that she could teach something undesirable to her children, but so far, she had other thoughts in her mind, regarding her first born.

Sirius was unruly, and she had tried her best to keep him under control. Too much energy, she heard her brothers who delighted on the boy, they thought it was brilliant. Her husband didn’t pay that much attention, saying that it was normal for his age. He was about to turn three, but there was also another point she worried about: he disliked Kreacher.

She didn’t like Kreacher that much either, he was a reminder of the status of the family, and he was hideous to observe; no-one had to like their domestic elf’s, her mother said to her, but she couldn’t deal with Sirius being so adamant at point out how much he disliked him.

So she brought the boy with her and tried to explain, as if Sirius was dim-witted, why was important to keep his mouth shut and accept his situation.

“But I don’t like it, mama. He is nasty!” Sirius brow was furrowed; he looked angry and anxious at the same time, and Walburga could not handle those emotions: they showed weakness.

“Careful with that language, young boy!” Walburga lift her hand, just to see how Sirius trembled under her hand. “Sometimes, we have to pretend to like things for other people. Right now, you need to pretend to like it.”

There was a stubborn glimpse in her son’s eyes, as if he was ready to fight against this idea, but Walburga knew better how to subjugate him. “Sirius, do what is best for this family”, and just with that, he saw the fire go dark in his eyes, perhaps with the fear of being punished once more. Sirius slowly moved his head up and down.

“Now, go with Jocasta and your brother. See you at dinner, son” and he patted his head gently before he went away. She was a good mother, she thought.


	5. Brothers

Sirius and Regulus spend much of their time together.

Jocasta loves watching them playing; since Regulus learned how to walk, he always went behind his brother to wherever new adventure they had in mind. Sirius was a tall and slender boy for his age, while Regulus was shorter and a bit chubby, but he was always holding his big brother’s hand.

Right now, they had the chance to go to a park, one concealed from the muggles. The mistress was away with some members of her family while she had the chance to stay some time with the children. Sometimes she looked at them as if they were hers. She only had a little girl of Sirius age, but she was most of her time with her paternal family while she was here, working with the children of somebody else. Jocasta sighed.

Sirius was showing Regulus the new gig he learned a couple of days before, showing his potential as a wizard and suddenly becoming the pride of the house; Regulus was fascinated with the trick his brother was performing and the giggles of the children kept on going and going. She was smiling as well, at home it was odd to hear their giggles, it was such a dark place and there were only very few permitted moments. Jocasta wished they could be like that forever.


	6. Newborn

#  _May 30 th, 1980_

“Cara? Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it sounds good. Cara Black.” Sirius had the dumbest face of the world while he was carrying the newly born girl; Frances was just looking at him, wondering if all the yelling and uncontrollable magic had hit him in some way and damaged his head in some temporal way. Or permanent, she wasn’t completely sure.

The first months of the pregnancy had been very good and almost normal, in her mother’s opinion; but the sooner they got to the baby’s birth, the stranger things got around them. There were times when she could, out of nowhere, make bulbs explode, and when the labor pains began… She had been extremely worried, once she remembered that Sirius had been hit by a lamp on the head.

“Did you pick, by any chance, a muggle names book? Remember that her second name is going to be Regina…”

“I know I know… And yes, I stole one from a lady at a pub; besides she won’t be mad about it. Cara Regina Black sounds nice right?”

“Why not a star or a constellation or, I don’t know, even a plant? It sounds…”

“You don’t like the name?” Frances doubted. It had an odd roll to the tongue.

She could recall the long discussion at the wee hours of the morning, even at battle of why not a common Black name, but she still thought that no other name could sound better than a constellation or a star name; Cara had an odd ring to it.

“Look, Fran, I told you: I don’t want our baby to be stained with the family traditions. She has a mum who’s a muggle-born, and a godfather who’s a werewolf… She won’t need those awful traditions. And once the war is done;” he rocked the baby back to her arms, she was gently cooing at her dad. “She’ll never have to go back there.”

Frances sighed and beckoned for Sirius to sit beside her on the bed. St. Mungo’s beds were no different from common hospital beds and it was a bit uncomfortable for them to find themselves in that tiny space. “What is the meaning behind Cara?”

His smile was the goofiest she’ll ever saw. She wanted to replicate that moment in her memory forever, just to show everybody how she was able to see the rebel of Sirius Black, with his dumb face just so incredibly happy. She could almost picture all the girls from Hogwarts, drooling and festering with jealousy for her being able of seeing this dumb man, smile this happy… It was perfect for her. “It means beloved”

“It sounds perfect.”


	7. After School

#  _July 6 th, 1978_

“So, this is goodbye?”

Sirius looked at the top of Frances blonde head, trying to pretend he didn’t care, that may be she was breaking up with him (no one breaks up with Sirius Black, he was just, allowing her to do so). Tomorrow was the end of term feast, and then, Merlin knew what was going to happen to him, to everything. The war was raging on outside the walls of Hogwarts and he wasn’t sure of anything.

“Sirius, did you listen to anything I told you?” He looked at her eyes, she was expectant and a small tingle of fun was dancing around her blue corners. He frowned.

“Of course I am, you are breaking up with me”, Frances covered her mouth while laughter erupted from her chest. Sirius felt incredibly dumb at that moment; he opened his mouth to reply to her, in a snarky fashion, but she was quicker.

“I’m not breaking up with you, Sirius, you dumb newt. I told you that if you want to, we can see how things go outside of school, I want to try job at St. Mungo’s and… well, what you said a couple of months ago about the Order…”

Sirius was having trouble connecting her words. She was serious about it? About him? “But Frances, you do know that I am living with James and… I mean, he and Lily look pretty serious about their thing and you and I…”

“So, you are breaking up?”

“What? No, no! Of course no, damn Frances I…”

“I have savings, if you want to, we can try to and if you don’t then, well I don’t know what else I can t-… Whoa!” Sirius took her in a big hug and made her go around in circles. Frances laughter ringed in his ears as he made her circle; everybody was looking at them, and he just didn’t care. He was happy.

It was the happiest day of his god forsaken life.


	8. Grown-ups

#  _October 3 rd, 1978_

“So, you’re moving out” James was standing beside his door, with a cocky smile on his dumb lips. “Finally, the young bird is leaving the nest; you even combed your hair!”

“Shut up, James. You should be happy; finally you won’t need to clean up my mess.”

“Poor Frances, she’ll have to deal with you. I’ll try to keep all your things in order when she kicks you out of the house”.

“Don’t be mean, James” Euphemia Potter turned around the door; she had in her hands some clean clothes for Sirius. “Frances is a great girl and she sure loves you Sirius, everything will be just fine.”

“Thank you, Euphemia, at least a Potter here is more empathic”, he kissed the old woman’s cheek, and she just laughed, beckoning for James.

“James, you need to put your things in order as well; let’s go.” James gave Sirius a sides glance before quickly following his mother.

Sirius was quick to throw a pillow to James head, as soon as Euphemia leave them. He was too nervous about that day, for Frances to appear at the doorstep of the Potters. He knew that they were nothing like his real parents; he was sure that if he had been living with his mother dear, Frances would have been turned into catnip and then thrown into the fire, just to spite him. And still, he couldn’t shake the feeling of uneasiness.

That evening, Frances arrived. She told him she had just said goodbye to her parents and siblings. Her mother had given her a bouquet of flowers specially arranged for the Potter’s, and her father had sent a bottle of wine as a gift. Sirius couldn’t quite understand the meaning behind all of that, but Frances looked happy and the look at Euphemia and Fleamont’s faces was priceless. Lily arrived as well, with similar presents.

By the time of the dinner, Sirius couldn’t even stomach the whole situation. Euphemia, Fleamont and James were all talking about Sirius dumb moments, Sirius funny moments and even Sirius confusing moments. He didn’t know where to hide himself while Lily and Frances laughed, but every time he felt her hand, the evening went smoother.

At some point, it was all directed to James and even Euphemia brought some old photos of James as a baby. The evening could not have been better, except for a little detail…

“So, Frances, do you plan on marrying soon?” Frances stared at the wall, biting her lip all of sudden.

“Well, not soon-soon but, yeah soon like, after all of this is done and…” Sirius intervened.

“Fleamont, we’re just about to move on together and there’s not need to rush things, right?” Frances gave him a “thank-you” look and the subject quickly changed back to more mundane things.

At 2 am everybody was ready to go to bed. Euphemia told them to stay until tomorrow, so they could get some sleep before moving to their new flat. At first they planned for the girls to sleep at Sirius room, while the boys at James, but Fleamont said nonsense.

“You’re all grown-ups, let’s go. See you on the morning´.”

Sirius and Frances entered the room, and he felt a little bit ashamed when she entered in his rebel room, but if she wanted to say something, she kept it to herself and asked for one of his pants and old t-shirts. Both of them got into bed and for a long time, there was only silence.

“So… no marriage in your plans?” Sirius looked at her profile.

“Sirius…”

“Hey, no rush; just wondering.”

She sighed and turned to look at him, using the dim light of the moon to see his face. “I want to, but not now. I mean, you see how things are going. Death Eaters hunting families, muggle-borns; I don’t think is safe now. I don’t feel safe now.”

Sirius pondered for a while, trying to read more into Frances face. “But you will like to…”

“Of course I want to, Sirius. Just not now, there’s so much at stake right now. Please, can we sleep? I’m tired” he nodded gently and covered himself with her, kissing her shoulder and slowly drifting to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've been working on a story that covers the life and detah of Sirius Black since, I don't know, four years? This has plenty of headcanons, but I try my best to be as canon as I can with the personalities of the characters and what much/little we know about them.
> 
> Also, english is not my first language, so I'll appreciate for you to point out mistakesin everything you could possibly see. And thank you very much.


End file.
